I feel so very blessed to have been a viewer of the Amanita Dreamer channel, now that I realize there is a supportive community beneath the content, my heart overflows.
My name is Emmett, I was born here in Oregon a few years before the turn of the century, and I am eternally grateful.
On my 21st birthday, I encountered psilocybin, and because I had a good deal of history with cannabis in all her forms, I assumed that the effect of 2 grams of dried "mushies" (as my supplying friend called them) would be comparable to the experience of a few hundred milligrams of decarboxylated THC. So I decided to take 50mg of a Phoenix Tears© RSO (a powerful, whole-plant cannabis extract) in addition to the psilocybin.
An hour later, when I was lying in my bed breathing the seasons, I realized that I was in over my head.
Spring, Summer, Autumn, Winter, with every inhalation, complete with the leaving of trees, the blossoming of flowers, the skeletonization of plants, the freezing of lakes, the thawing of the mountains.
The wonder of it was terrifying.
Still, I felt little fear, and I began to see flashes of a life, memories, places, people, conversation. At this point, my awareness had expanded beyond the body, yet I was inextricably connected to it, without the awareness that the body was me.
This life rose from the murk of the violet dark with every inhalation, much like the seasons had. But as emotions filtered in with the images and sounds, the feeling of wonder leaned further and further toward terror.
With each memory, something in my consciousness convusled, more so and more so as the experience deepened. I began to feel a deep and unspeakable pity for the being who's memories I was being made privy to.
The moment where it all imploded was the moment that I remembered my father saying, "Now don't overdo it" after giving me the Phoenix Tears earlier in the day. When that memory hit, I knew that the life I had been watching was mine. It's odd to think about, since it should've been obvious, yet it was a shocking surprise nonetheless.
There was a sharply painful sense of loss, a sense of failure. There was a moment where I felt surroundings which were entirely "other", and yet I could see nothing but a shimmering light, always just out of sight, like a silver lining in the dark. I remember feeling very strongly that there must be some knob or a switch, which could be turned or flipped, and the jig would be up, the whole confusion/deception would fall away. But I could not see, and I could not find the switch. There is much missing from that part of the "trip", but I know that I wrestled with my sense of self for quite a time.
Even a year after that, I was still experiencing anxiety about the whole ordeal. There were very few people to talk to, or even listen to, regarding mycelial phenomena, aside from pillars like Terence McKenna and Paul Stametz.
I found a certain peace in the videos on the Amanita Dreamer channel. They seemed straight-forward, kind, and curious. I found some Amanitas growing in a park near my apartment building, and I was overjoyed! I decided to prepare and consume them, based on the advices of various internet sources, primarily the information provided by our gracious host, the Amanita Dreamer.
Those Amanitas, the Dreamer, and the path moving forward, all helped me with my anxiety in a way I cannot describe. The only thing that I can say is thank you, so f-ing much!