Overdose leads to self-harm

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mdmaX
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Overdose leads to self-harm

Post by mdmaX » Mon Oct 12, 2020 10:48 am

My perfect dose is ~3g dry.
I've tried 4, 5, 10, 20g's of dry caps.
Only difference I found was in a duration once you are taken by it.

A few effects from other reports that resonated with me:

viewtopic.php?f=5&p=328#p328
Amanita Research wrote:
Thu Oct 31, 2019 2:03 pm
... a blurring between the waking and sleeping minds.
viewtopic.php?f=5&p=832#p832
Splinters and Shards wrote:
Thu Dec 12, 2019 7:05 pm
I can tell when it's about to happen because I end up repeating the same action over and over...
Once I get stuck doing the same thing over and over, my mind sort of distances itself from the action but is also stuck in the same loop. I'll be presented with an aspect of myself or something I've been hiding and have until the next loop to release it. If I do, the cycle repeats with a new 'sin'.
...a great panic fills me and it feels as if something dark and cold is wrapping around my heart and starting to squeeze. My vision starts going dark.
viewtopic.php?f=5&p=1377#p1377
Marieazy-E wrote:
Sat Jun 20, 2020 1:00 pm
At last he said ”I understand”, but I did not know what he understood... When his eyes opened my boyfriend’s body was having tics in each bodypart and spams in every limb.
1.st time Took 20g dry, sat in my chair and stared at a clock for hours in a total silence. Decided to venture to the edge of death by exhaling all the oxygen in my lungs and hold it there for as long as I can. On the 3rd sharp pain in my chest I let go and inhaled. I chickened out. Had a loop of terrifying thoughts hunting my mind. The worst thoughts you can imagine, and I felt as if I was accountable for them merely because I was aware they existed. As if I had to be punished for not changing them. Went back to the big bang, realized that the beyond death is where all the creation lies and it created the life to have a temporary escape from a timeless solitude.

2.nd time Took 10g dry, went to a forest to forage, as planned. Can't remember a lot, as if falling in and out of memory. Could hear/became aware of music in my headphones every 2-3 minutes, kept on going through the forest. Found the spot. Sat down, exhaled, and this time I was devoted to hold it in longer. Pass the 3rd wave of heartache I started to twitch and kept on imagining the worst case scenarios I have heard/seen in my memory. I guess the oxygen in my brain was running out of options and it was trying to find an answer how to keep me alive. Little did it know, I was the culprit of pain. I imagined that I've murdered or raped someone, as if I signed the order to launch nukes at Hirosima and Nagasaki. I was connected to every single piece of information in the universe I could become aware of having the ability to process only 1 string of actions and consequences at a time. As if I'm responsible for all of it. I felt how all my senses leave me, every single thought reduces in size like a fractal of life.

I tried scratching the tree to break my nails, but realized it's not enough. I was breaking my finger against a tree to stay focused on not inhaling and go deeper. External pain seemed to distract me from the internal self-induced oxygen deprivation. Then ended up at scratching my face against the tree thinking that the only way to go deeper is to cut myself to blood. I didn't, chickened out and inhaled.
https://o.remove.bg/uploads/766ed76a-5f ... rm_1.0.jpg
Then I was filled an immediate regret thinking, I will have to go through it all again in some other lifetime. This will not end here! I yelled for forgiveness or something similar thinking that the one I harmed is still nearby. Damaged my larynx. I thought until I will experience the amount of pain I caused, I won't pass to the other side of forgiveness, so I kept increasing it. As if the repeating of the same action was strictly focused on self-harm. Every new sound was a sign of my "sin" I tried to pay for. Heard a quad bike in a distance, thought that I raped the guy on it in some previous life in any other form, so I thought had to ask him for forgiveness by yelling as hard as I can.
With the first inhale I kept it in without exhaling for as long as I could and the thought pendulum swung the other way around. Heard a voice in my head:
- Is this what you wanted?
Then I asked (internally) 3 times and received the same answer 3 times
- Is everyone going through this?
- Yes.
Later figured that we all are connected through a sinusoidal fluctuation of birth and death, no matter our physical state living the same life. https://www.imageupload.net/image/tBjP8
On the inhale I saw my senses come back to me starting from a tree branch I stared at before going berserk on myself. Realized, I could do lot's of good to redeem myself, but immediately knew, nothing can redeem what I did (even if I haven't done any of it in a current life). After sitting near the tree, contemplating, not realising how far I've damaged myself, I tried to walk out of the forest in my sox. Ye, i lost my boots along the way, cuz they don't matter to where was I going. Found a closest way to home over a brick fence (forest was in a semi-abandoned factory complex). Cut my hand on a brick wall, later realizing the cut went across the "line of life" https://www.imageupload.net/image/tBD1y. Many people around me definitely saw me as crazy, but I feel like none of them mattered, cuz they weren't seeing what I was seeing through amanita. Lost my bike in a process, cuz I left it near a forest I decided to go to and forage. On a consequent 2 days I tried to go and look for the bike and boots. Found my foraging basket with amanitas squished by a quad bike. Couldn't find the spot amanitas lead me to. Spent an overall of 8+ hours trying to find the same place again.. Never did.

3.rd time A week after last trip i took 4g's. Sat in my chair, exhaled, stared at the clock, realized immediately we're timeless beings and got back on track with the horrific thought loop. Smashed my hands against a heating unit on the wall, mom ran in, tried to stop me, I hit her in the process, later after coming back from ambulance, cried when remembered I actually did hit her. While she was trying to stop me I figured that I couldn't cause myself pain with my hands no more, started hitting my head against a doorframe. Dad walked in, mom called him prior, and he stopped me. I asked him to tie my hands behind my back with belt to stop me. Reminding you, amanita suppresses physical pain to an extent.
https://img.imageupload.net/2020/10/12/ ... rm-2.1.jpg
https://img.imageupload.net/2020/10/12/ ... rm-2.2.jpg
https://img.imageupload.net/2020/10/12/ ... harm-2.jpg

Your reaction is pretty much what I kept encountering from everyone around me. Had to lie a lot to doctors, addiction doctors and psychiatrists that I'm fine :D After being tied down on my own request, I asked them to call ambulance to take me to a hospital and check if my hands aren't broken. They weren't.

4.th time Some 10 days later took 5+g dry. Prior I kept taking 2-3g's daily with occasional days skipping the intake just to feel the difference. This time I went walking around the local tourist hills with some friends. Amanita sling-shot me to the same dark void place for good 4-5 hours. This time I did nothing, just kept breathing and waiting. It kept pressing the darkest thoughts on me. Everyone around me kept pointing with their lives at what I was seeing. The continuity of a karmic cycle. We all are one with an illusion of many lives. Even the dog my friends took with us felt the anxiety of what I was doing. She tried to stop me from writing the ideas via phone to my friend by punching with it's nose my hand and I couldn't finish a sentence for a moment until I shoo'd the dog away. Some older people age ~50 at the top of the hill on our way back, once we reached the same final height, I overheard them saying while they stared at the end of the road: "That's where the last one died." As if the death is not the end! I needed to ask them, what they meant by it, because this kept me terrified for the next hour or so before amanita started to let go off me. Did no harm this time and it seems that one can be harmless even in the worst case scenario. I can keep speculating, but this is heavy as it is. I keep coming back to this total godlike self-awareness where even death doesn't liberate from paying off the harm one causes.

After it all, no permanent physical harm has been done, only heavy bruising. Psychologically - a different story.

Got some philosophical insights on the way, but none of them matter, of course.
Like, Jesus couldn't have died for our sins. You can't redeem others of their sin with your own suffering, it's a 1 on 1 relationship.
If we have a will then god(s) have a will too, and it doesn't mean we will be reborn after death. We can stay godlike eternally again, where time doesn't exist.
Breathing is the proof of a non-physical external creator. I didn't decide to start breathing, nor can I truly stop breathing for long with my will as shown above.
I've speculated that the absolute doesn't necessarily is a one god. Men and women can have each their own absolute that never merge in solitude.

After the 2nd self-harm I promised never to repeat it again in this life, and then assaulted the door with my head. I kind of held onto the promise, as I didn't harm myself in the forest where I promised never to do it again :D
Delirium is real.
Thought loops focused on self-destruction are real.
The experience of death of time is inevitable and ubiquitous.
We're all here in a giant theater of meanings missing a point until we hit that last breath with the light at the end of the tunnel.
When in panic, fear or anxiety - focus on your own breathing.
Humming of monks helps as well.

I've asked around on amanita facebook forums about similar self-destructing experiences and ~10 ppl pointed out to me that my state of insanity is unprecedented.
One of explanations I came up with recently is that it's autumn. Everything is seemingly dying so I connected to everything and felt the death through me. Have to try to trip in a spring, when nature comes back to life. Could have an opposite effect :)

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tgt1002
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Re: Overdose leads to self-harm

Post by tgt1002 » Mon Oct 12, 2020 1:46 pm

it sounds like maybe you should not take Amanita or possibly any mind altering substance.
"If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."
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ZombieAngel
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Re: Overdose leads to self-harm

Post by ZombieAngel » Mon Oct 12, 2020 8:49 pm

So... I might be completely wrong, but my gut feeling is that the urge to self-harm comes from you being unwilling to give in, and the rigidity of the way you think about concepts like life and death and loneliness and escape bolsters this opinion. I have never done a strong dose of AM so maybe I am mistaken, but even on low doses, especially when I started out, I noticed it was easy to start to panic, but that was because I was trying not to give in. I was trying to stay "conscious" and in control. All I had to do any time I felt that was was lay down and close my eyes for 5-10 minutes and it would subside and I would feel refreshed. Don't try to experience it, just experience it. Does this make sense? Stop trying to figure it out and make it make sense by your standards. Let go, and you will learn what it is trying to reveal to you.
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Re: Overdose leads to self-harm

Post by tgt1002 » Mon Oct 12, 2020 9:07 pm

Id say you have an internal desire to self harm that you should look into and resolve before something bad happens. I mean the first time maybe the mushroom was letting you know consciously what to work on, but rather than working on it you just kept tripping on amanita. Just a theory as well.
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